Post 25

You were the reason I was happy yesterday. However, I felt that our conversation yesterday was not 100% honest. I felt that there were things you were avoiding from telling me. But, I'll respect you for your choice of not telling me. I'll choose to be positive and believe that you are doing it to keep me from being hurt, regardless of the fact that I'm hurt already anyway.

Post 24

I'm not good at writing happy emotions. I have lost the ability to write happy moments. I forgot how it felt like to be happy, but today. I am happy. I thought I lost you, I really did. I cried the whole night. My heart broke into many more pieces as each calls entered voice mail.
It all changed when I got your text. My frown turned into a smile. My tearing heart leap for joy. All I wanted to do was to hear your voice but you said cousin nearby. So back to texting it is. Oh dear, you really made my day. You, are the reason that I'm happy today. Thanks dear! 😘😘😘

Post 23

Every time I come to realisation of this feeling, my heart will shatter. Every single time. I lose count the number of time my heart has shatter. It's like a cycle that never ends. The feeling of brokenness, sadness, pain and despair all at the same time happening again and again and again. Repeating itself over and over and over again. The reason is simple, it's because of my love for you. The realisation that you will never be mine and you will always, yes always choose the other.

My friend advice to me was 'When it's over, leave. Don't continue watering a dead flower'. I was crying so hard over the phone in December 2015 when my friend told me that. Due to that one line, I decided to stop texting you everyday. I limited my visit to twitter once a month. I decided to treat you as a NORMAL FRIEND.

Guess what? It didn't happen. I still love you as usual and even more actually.

All I can say to my friend today is 'I stopped watering but the flower is still growing'.

I'm still crazily in love with you and I know that you don't care.

Post 22

All I wanted to do when I saw you was to give you a long hug. Instead, I look straight a head and gave a fake smile. I really don't know how to react in front of you. I...... felt that I hurt you, maybe you felt that I was cold towards you, but I really do not know what to do or say when I saw you. All I know is that I really wanted to give you a hug, but I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry.

Post 21

I dreamt about you this morning. You were about to get marry. I watched you from the building opposite the church as your were getting ready. The heartache was so real, it didn't felt like a dream. It was so painful. I took the lift down from the building and walk towards the church. I had to tell you for the last time that I love you. You were adjusting your clothes and putting the final touches to look good. I approached you, but you look sad. I asked you about the wedding, you said you don't know who you are getting married to. You have not seen the person yet. You were nervous and didn't want to get married. You told me it was just to make your family happy and that you were just doing your duty. I asked if it was the same case with your sister. Instead, you told me that your sister switched religion when she got married. I said, you cannot do this, you don't love the person you are getting married to, but you looked at me with sad eyes and said that you have no choice, you had to do it. I then asked, what about your crush? You looked at me and gave me a hug. I could feel your heartache, the brokenness, the pain, the sorrow and the sadness during the hug. Then I woke up from the dream.

The feeling of heartache and brokenness was still there from the dream. I still can feel it now and I didn't managed to say I love you before the dream ended.

Post 20

My heart breaks every time I see you in pictures with another and it hurts even more because I know that you love the one in the picture with you.

Dear God, I really need Your help to break through this feeling. God, I still don't understand the reason that it happened, I never know loving someone could be wrong,  it would hurt this much and it takes forever to heals. God, no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't seem that I'm making progress in moving on. Lord, this can't go on forever. I really need You. I really need You. Help me. Amen.

Now, I understand the sentence 'I love you that it hurts so much'. It really does hurt, it hurts from the deep bottom of my heart. No amount of tears can wipe the pain  away.

Post 19

How funny is life,  I switched on my phone with the loudest ringing tone. It is so that when your message came in, it would wake me up and I can answer it ASAP. When your message came in at 2234, I heard nothing and was deeply asleep. I was woken up by another message beeping at 0012. Disappointed. I really wanted to chat with you but I was really busy with school work in the morning and you switched off your phone the whole afternoon and evening. I was dead tired after finishing youth at 2200. Went to bed straight and hoping the message tone would wake me, it did woke me but at the wrong message and the wrong person. It was suppose to be you, but now I have to chat with this guy instead. Disappointed. We are just not meant to be.

Post 18

I don't like the way I'm being address and talked to. What did I do to create such an image. Stop judging me, of course I will train them, I don't want me or my girls to be ashamed in front of other teams or states , I can't promise they will definitely win but I can guarantee that they will give their best. Of course they will have the standard, they have already shown they capability last year. The words said to me tells me that I do not do my job well. I know I do. I spent more hours at my work place than at home. I gave so much of my effort into my work than my family. Don't talk to me as if I'm not doing my part well, I have gave more than I'm suppose, I'm walking the extra mile. I noticed I have changed in my response towards work this year, is the change good or bad? I'm not sure but I know the change of attitude is definitely due to the reaction of people around me.

Post 17

Well, it's tomorrow. 18.02.2016. I have prayed for God to deliver your family from this challenge. I asked God to give your family strength. I requested God for favour to be upon your family. I told God to turn the situation around and let your family win this. I repeated my prayer for God's hands to protect and bless your family.

I know and I believe that God is on your family side. I believe that He will deliver and guide your family in overcoming this obstacle. I know God listens to prayers and answers them. He will listens and answers your family prayers like the many times He had answered mine.

Do not give up on the situation. Remember, God is in control. Do not stop praying, prayers move the hands of God. Never stop believing even if things doesn't turn out the way you want it to be because God's plans are greater than ours.

I pray and I have faith that the court's verdict will be on your family's side.

God bless and stay strong.

Post 16

Sooo.... yeah.... I was... but never mind. No one cares anyway, at least I know the person that I care  and love don't. Looking at the people around me bruh....  even if they do care, most of the time it's because they have a favour to ask, I said MOST not ALL. The world is such a screwed up place or maybe I'm just living a screwed up life so I see the world in a screwed up view. Let's just settle and agree that I have a screwed up life.

I don't want to talk about today or how I felt or went through. It's just the same, all screwed up. Meaningless, hopeless, lifeless, nothingness aimless etc etc etc.

Never mind  just enjoy this small piano piece that I played. Hopefully the song lyrics if you know it might bring a bit of spark and hope in your life. For me, meh....

Now another piano piece to hopefully help you sleep.......

Post 15

Now I have got holes in my heart because you love me not and I miss you like a hole in my head.

Post 14

I set the rules. I was following the rules well. Everything was beginning to look better. The struggle was slowly but definitely moving away.

I deleted it. I deprived myself from it. I know I should not open it. It reminds me of the past, the heartache, the pain, the tears, the struggle, and the love.

I broke the rule. The rule that was set to keep me from getting hurt, I broke it. The rule that was set to help me move on, I broke it. The rule that was set to stop me from remembering the past, I broke it.

I broke the rule. I'm not suppose to read any posting from it. I'm not suppose to see any photos from it. But, I did. Yes, I did.

The pain has return, yes. The heartache has return, yes. The tears has return, definitely yes.

The love? Well, that is the only thing that remains the same. It just shows that I'm still in the same situation. I'm still in love with you.

Post 13

'Break my heart a thousand times more. I'll just return loving you even more.' - tweeted on 4th November 2015.

I mean it when I tweeted it and I still mean it now. Then again, just because it's the similar tweet doesn't mean it's for me.

How did I feel when I read the tweet?  It looks familiar. I recognised it straight away because I remember struggling to arrange the words to represent my feelings. Also, I wanted to know the reason it was tweeted, but I know I'll never get the answer to my question.

Post 12

What's wrong with me today. How come this sudden missing you feeling. Ewwww...  Get a grip...  There are tons of things to be done. I'll be soooooooo (IDK how to explain) if you were to reactivate your ***p**a* one day and read the messages I sent to you. Like I said previously, as long as you are not there, there is where all my I love you and I miss you messages goes to.

Post 11

It's weird. Did I just finish building another wall around my heart? I still feel the unwillingness to say goodbye but it's not as difficult as before. The feeling is definitely still there but it's easier to put it aside. I still feel sad that we are not meant to be and I still ask God why. However, it's easier to go on with life now. Yeah, you are still on my mind but less frequent now. Good or bad, I'm not sure. I'm glad with how we are now. A few texts once in a while is just well.

Post 10

First time a good news didn't feel good or sound good. I'm not excited for it. I'm not looking forward to it. I feel disappointed. Disappointed till the point of hatred. What am I doing? I'm not bringing any change. I felt that I'm being judge. Judge for not fitting into the standard and expectation. I don't want to be a penguin. I want to be me, I don't want to be like everyone else. Don't judge me by the way I look, I still give my all in the things I do. I'm just different in the way I do things and I still deliver the results wanted. Don't ask me to be normal, I'm tired of being normal. I don't even want to walk down the typical road everyone is taking. I know it's the right road but it's not the only right road. Just because I do things differently doesn't mean I'm not a good example. I feel judge. Being judge for being the real me. I'm tired of everything, tired of loving the unloving. Tired. Just tired with my life.

Post 9

I give up easily now I noticed. I gave up on  my new diet plan. I gave up on my thoughts. I gave up on my plans. I gave up on my students, I gave up on those I love. I hope I don't give up on my life and God. I hope. Just hope.