Last Goodbye (published in 2015)

It never was, never is and never will be easy.
For me to let you go.
It kills deep inside to say my last goodbye.

Hey! Cheer up! Miss Intuition says.
It is okay, be strong and have courage.
I smile and reply. Yes, I will survive this last goodbye.

Time flies by,
I'm still here watching you go.
Nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say but my last goodbye.

Come on! Let's go! Miss Intuition begs
You can be happy, you will be bless.
I smile and reply. Yes, I will overcome this last goodbye.

Miss Intuition,
Do you think I will ever forget.
The memories, the smiles and joy.
The warm embraces and silly talks.
The dates of special events.
Can I leave it all behind with this last goodbye?

Rise up! Move forward! Miss Intuition cheers.
Remember the memories to push you ahead.
Remember the smiles and laughter to brighten your days.
I smile and reply. No more holding on, this is my last goodbye.

June holiday 2015

Wow... It is just amazing how a two week holiday could be gone just in a blink of an eye.

The first week of the holiday I was busy with my masters. I know right... Can you believe it... I have actually started my masters. OMG... I don't understand any of the lectures... All I could do it... God help me.

My classes were in Sabah. Yeap, I experienced the earthquake. My heart goes out to all the victims of the earthquake. Personally, my brother's GF house was badly effected by the earthquake as well.

I just don't understand people who are still making fun of the situation. There is a  saying, if you can't help with the problem don't be the problem.

Putting that aside, school is starting soon. I'm working hard juggling between marking papers, thinking about my masters assignments and trying to enjoy the remaining days of my holidays.... Hahahha.....

I guess this will be my latest update.
Till my next post. Bye!

You are real

I felt Your presence,
It was so strong,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

I recognise Your voice,
It was so familiar,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

I remember Your promises,
It has been fulfilled,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

Let Your will be done.

Seriously,  is this it?

God, are you really calling me for this?

It's so different from what I expected.

When I said "use me" I never dreamt that it will be this.

I thought You would use me in the children ministry...  I thought You would use me in the youth ministry or music ministry.

In 2001, You said through a pastor that I'll be use to raise up a generation that will be on fire for you. I listened. I remembered but I never take it into my heart.

Yes,  You showed me the sign. It was the same thing. Not once,  not twice but 3 times.

Every time it happens.... I can feel Your presence in my life. I can heard Your still small voice telling me what to do.

Each time it happens,  it shatters my heart into a million pieces. I was lost,  I was heartbroken. My tears flow.

God, it's so hard to face it again and again. It hurts to heard it again and again. It's painful to know, to understand.

God,  is this really Your calling in my life.

If it is, let Your will be done. I'll surrender to Your will.

I accept Your love,  peace,  joy,  wisdom, kindness, patience and grace in my life.

I know You will be there to lead and guide me.

Things I miss about 2014

You can never let go of something until you are able to admit it out loud. I guess it's not too late for me to say that there are a few things in the year 2014 that I miss up till now (May 2015). They are very small things in life that brought smiles to my face.

1. I miss teaching 5A2 class. - I miss looking at their smiles. I miss them calling me Miss Anna and me reminding them to lift up their hands if they need to speak. I miss the different personalities of the front row students vs the back row students. I miss them asking me abuden questions. I miss the second row students showing me their bu shuang faces when I give them homework. I miss marking their creative and weird essays.
I miss Meredith Lim wacky excuses for not doing what she is suppose to do. I miss seeing her running around school without her shoes on and her hair tattoo..
I miss Tini, Ashely and Megan. I miss praying together with them. I miss Ashely's spirit of bringing change into the school. I miss chatting with Tini late into the night... about... Hehehheh... Shhhh...... I miss just having Megan in class... Quiet but always ready to serve as the monitor.
I miss Janice and Geneivie (I x know how to spell. Sorry) I miss Janice's laughter and for handing in the most work. I miss Geneivie for always being missing at the beginning of my class and for always asking me to proof read her essay before she hands them in. I miss Vanessa.... For... Trying hard,  for not giving up in my paper and in BK, for being strong even in the hardest season of her life.

2. I miss teaching 4A3 since July 2014. - I miss their afraid face of putting their hands into the box. I miss Corine's, Irene's, Mia's and Nishan's laughter. I miss Kennedy's crazy stupid daring pick up lines.... Thank God he has stopped. I miss having extra classes with Karen after school. I miss Syameera's, Riqqah's, Marlissa's, Crystal's, Clarice's, Mariel's shy answers and smiles when I ask them questions. I miss Tasha being loud and opinionated. I miss Dorothy for forever not handing in my work.... I also miss having fruitcake and ice cream with 4A3.

3. I miss Meredith Ker for calling me when I walk pass 4A1 just to give me a smile. Even if there is a teacher in class, she will still take the risk to call out my name or Pstt! Pstt! Sometimes I tried to ignore but it is just rude to ignore someone calling... So... She wins... I smiled back.

4. I miss my 2014 debate team. I miss their smart brains debating and refuting my points. I miss hanging out with them when we are tired. When we work our ass off preparing for competition and to go to LIDC.

5. I miss sending my sister to school. I miss when we would sing random songs in the car.  Laugh out loud and make sarcastic jokes about each other. I miss having breakfast with her before school even if it means being super late to school. You know YOLO.

6.I miss when I have a much simple mind. I miss when I am more confident about myself.  I miss the time when people opinions do not influence my thoughts. I miss the time when I can be happy being alone. I miss the time when even the simplest things can make me laugh and giggle non stop. I miss having a smile to share with everyone. I miss the time when I can feel the presence of God in my life. I miss counting my life blessing. I miss going for mission trip.

Well,  these are some of the 2014 events that I miss and wish would still happen in 2015. However,  life moves on with or without us. I'm glad that I'm able to share the top 5 things I miss about the year 2014.

Tonight

The cold wind blows into the house.
The rain pours slowly down from the sky.
Will it happen tonight?

A young girl waiting, standing by.
In red with golden sparkles by her side.
Will he come tonight?

Busy machine zooming left and right.
When will they stop so he can pass by.
Will she see him tonight?

Alas, time passed by so fast.
The rain stops, the pain starts.
She never gets to see him tonight.

Pondering.

There is a longing to express what I feel.
I'm here wondering,  pondering and questioning.

Being confuse with these feelings can be so irritating.

Is it love? Longing to be with the one you desire?

Is it jealousy? Knowing that 'I'm not the only one'

Is it boredom? What should I do next?

Is it uneasiness? What will happen in the future?

Being human. These are some of the feelings that everyone and each one of us face everyday.

I caught myself starring at one of my whatapps contact just now. Well,  basically I wanted to start a conversation with someone but I don't know how to start it. It is so easy to start a conversation with someone you don't feel anything for and the conversation can go on forever. 

The moment I fall for someone, I realised that I'll run out of topics to talk about but I want to talk to you, I need to talk to you, but what should I say.... It is frustrating to receive one word replies..... Arrggghhhh....