Painful Love by A.L Tan

Crying has become my new hobby.
Crying has become my life.
Crying has replaced my silent pain.
Crying.........

The day I fear is finally here.
My heart knows it is always near.

The silence has started.
Months of conversation has stopped .
Not a reply. Just silent from you.

Maybe that's God way of saying.
Let's move on my dear.

I always have things to tell you.
I always wanted to know more about you.
But your reply is always nothing.
It breaks me every time from within.

I finally understand how mum felt,
The day dad left without saying anything.

So,  I'll just do what mum do.
Just cry my heart out when I think of you.

Maybe you were busy the days before.
So your replies were mostly okays.
It is easy for you to ignore me.
It's just hard for me, silly stupidly in love with you me.

You asked me why I love you so.
To be honest I really do not know.
I asked God every night and day.
But still there wasn't a reason that I can say.

You might be reading this one day.
Thinking how silly this woman is.
Wasting her love on me.

This time I'm again trying to let go

I apologise for,
The misery and hard times I gave to you.
For being annoying and moody.
For taking up most of your time.
For asking stupid and random questions.
For being upset for no reason.
For breaking your heart in any season.

Thank you,
For the friendship,
For having the patience with me,
For being nice and polite,
For encouraging me,
For replying my text when there's nothing to say.
For sharing your joy and sadness.
Last but not least for being my friend.

I ask that everything we have shared.
Will remain only between you and me.

There's only 4 days till it's my birthday.
There's nothing I wish for, 
only for you to love me.
I know it will never be.

I really don't wish for us to be strangers again.

You'll always be my Painful Love.

Hopeless Hope by A.L Tan

I'll just keep on hoping,
Hoping for it to come true.

I know it's not going to happen.
I'll just keep on hoping for it to come true.

No Return by A.L Tan

I chose to switch my phone off,
Because I don't want my heart to break.

Phone on or off my heart still breaks.
Oh dear,  what is happening to me.

I hate the person I am now.
I hate the life I'm living now.

I'm just a body walking around daily.
Projecting smiles everywhere I go.

Inside of me, I'm breaking slowly.
Thinking of you, what you mean to me.

I should train myself to hate you.
But that's not the right thing to do.

Just because we are not to be.
Doesn't mean we should be enemy.

I'm lose of words to describe how I feel.
It sucks to know what I become.

Self Destruct by A.L Tan

Today was the worst in 2015.
I felt so distant,  so far away.
I felt so abandoned,  so unwanted.

I know the reason for feeling this way.
It's all my own doing.
Thanks to over thinking.

Every late reply breaks my 💜 a bit more.
Every Okay, Okayyy, Ohokay, Ohkkay or Okaayy
Made my 💜 sank even more.

I'm not supposed to feel this way.
I told myself months ago.
That I have to let this feeling go.

I have passed the date I set to forget you.
Instead I fell deeper and harder for you.

I hate myself for this.
Why am I doing this to myself?

Why? Why? Why?
Can't I just feel nothing about you.

Feelings From You by A.L Tan

It's hard to describe this feeling.
It's pain, it's brokenness, it's misery.
It's the feeling I get from you.

I get the feeling that I'm annoying you.
I get the feeling that I'm disturbing you.
I get the feeling that I'm a burden to you.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

I'm not sure if it's true.
I'm not sure if it's real.
I'm not sure if it's reality.
But that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

It could be me over thinking.
It could be me wondering too much.
It could be me worrying too much.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

I wonder why I feel this way?
Maybe it's true you are tired of me?
Maybe you reply my text just to be polite?
I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I'm getting from you. 

This feeling I'm getting from you.
It breaks my heart.
It makes me feel stupid.
It gives me bad vibes.

I know I'm wrong.
Why do I get these feeling about you?

I get the feeling that you don't want to talk to me.
I get the feeling that you want me out of your life.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

It hurts deep inside.....

Someone Not Me by A.L Tan

I turned the other way today.
Just to avoid from walking into you.

Well you realised it,
As you turned the other way,
Appearing before me again,
As I was entering the door.

Maybe it's just my own imagination.
You might not even realised,
That I turned the other way.

Well you appeared again as I entered the door,
I felt that you were looking, hoping for something more.
I didn't acknowledge your presence and entered that door.

As I emerged out from that faithful door.
I was hoping, just maybe you will still be there.
Instead it was another waiting for me there.

My eyes searched around for your face.
My ears listened for your voice.

Soon I spotted you in the other room.
Chatting away with your other friends.
You sounded happy, I wanted to be with you.

I entered that same place to be with you,
But you left the moment I entered there.
My heart stopped and I wished I wasn't there.

I left the room after you did.
Maybe you felt the earlier action I did.
As I exited from that door,
You called my name at the corridor.
My heart starts beating once more,
I turned to smile and smile at you more.

I listened to you by the corridor,
As you told me someone will only talk to you tomorrow.
I turned to that someone and rubbed the head.

You look at us as you start to say
I miss you someone,  I miss you someone,  I miss you someone.

Deep in my heart as I heard those words.
I wished that maybe that someone was me.

Brokeness by A.L Tan

I'm tired of writing poems on how I feel.
I'm tired of feeling jealous.
I'm tired of looking at you from afar.
I'm tired of peeping at you from the corners of my eyes.
I'm tired of hoping that you will love me too.

I'm heartbroken for not getting love back.
I'm heartbroken for feeling broken.
I'm heartbroken when you spent time with another.
I'm heartbroken when you long for another.
I'm heartbroken when you keep things from me but tells it to another.

I'm with a broken heart that is not tired in loving you.

Secrets by A.L Tan

It hurts.
When the one I love.
Holds secrets from me.

It hurts even more.
When the one I love.
Decides not to tell me.

It hurts a lot.

Nobody by A.L Tan

It's all my fault.
I pushed too hard.

You said no.
But I insisted to get it out.

I deserve the pain.
I deserve to be ignore.

I know.....
I don't have the rights.

No reasons are acceptable for the actions I have done.
Even if I'm doing it in the name of love.

I guess in the period of being ignored.
It made me realised, who I am to you.

As usual I'm nobody.
Nobody to you.

Fear by A.L Tan

There is always a fear in me.

The fear that you will go away.
The fear that you will ignore me.
The fear that you will hate me.
The fear that you will find me annoying.

Lesser smiles each day.
Lesser topics as time passes by.
Lesser interaction between us.
Lesser effort from both side.
               
                😊
😜
                😝
😁
                😊
😀 
                😊

That's all we might be talking about.
That's the fear, I'm fearing about.

Will I? by A.L Tan

Break my heart twice a day.
Shame on me, shame on me.

Come and take this feeling away.
It should go, it should not stay.

It hurts so deep, no words to explain.
No wounds to see but the pain is there.

Where is the cure for this love pain?
It's you my dear but you were never here.

I'm not alright, I'm not okay.
I'm too in love with you my dear.

This love is weird and stubborn in a way.
It has made up its mind to stay this way.

I really hope this love will move away.
However, I also want this love to stay.

If this love do go away.
Will I be alright?  Will I be okay?

Love Me Back by A.L Tan

You may deny and tell me no.
I know you long for another more.

Cover it up with smirks and smile.
Do it all day if that's what you want.
Your love is not for me but her.

It hurts my heart that's for sure.
Just like you, I'll cover it up with smirks.
I'll just continue with it everyday.
Denying I love you more each day.

Each day I look at you from afar.
Wishing that we were not hearts apart.
On days when moon and stars align.
You'll walk up to me maybe from behind.
Call my name and I'm in cloud nine.

I'll think of work and stuff to do.
Just to get my mind off you.
The busyness keeps my mind off you.
But my heart reminds me of you.

If only my heart can obey.
The things my mind frequently say.
Let this love go,  it's not to stay.

I'm just waiting for the day to say.
I love you no more my heart says.

Just Enough by A.L Tan

All I want is to see your face.
You turned and saw me stare.

All I want is to see your smile.
Your smile even if it's not for me.

All I want is just a peep.
Your sight made my heart skip a beat.

All I want is to hear your sound.
Just a whisper to know you are around.

All I want is to love you dear.
All I want is you.

Okay Hurts by A.L Tan

Here I am waiting.
Waiting for the familiar ring.

Nothing.
Not a sound.
Not even an imaginary ring.

I'm running out of reason.
Entering a heartbreaking season.

Heartbreaking not from waiting.
But delays in replying.

Finally I'm hearing.
That familiar ring.

Adding more pain to wounds of delays.
Was a simple and innocent 'okay'.

No Ends by A.L Tan

I wonder, what is this?
What does it means?
Is it a phrase of life?
We're going through?

I enjoy the time we spent together.
Talking to each other.
Sharing with each other.
Opinions, concerns, hurts and cares.

I'll always want the talks to go on and on.
For it to never ever stop.
I have felt the hurt and misery.
When silence and emptiness become our mystery.

I accept that we can never be.
Whatever I wish for us to be.
I hope our conversation knows no ends.
Maybe we might be a bit more than friends?

But alas, I know it will never be.
So let's stay as it is.
You and me.

Broken by A.L Tan

It hurts so much that I'm starting to despise you.

I know it is not fair.

It's all my own doing.

You did nothing but I fell for you.

I'm so addicted to you.

I'm not okay.

I want your attention.

When you ignore me.

I'll be thinking of a million reason to stay positive.

I'll turn to God and pray for Him to take this pain away.

I'll cry in His presence,  begging Him to take my heart back from you.

I wrote poems after poems.

Hoping to write this love pain affair away.

It stays, doesn't seems to go away.

Even if you knew, what could you do?

Nothing. Yes, nothing.

I'm nothing to you.

When You're Gone by A.L Tan

You, only come when there's a need.
You, leave when you are done.

I, felt used each time you leave.
I, felt hurt each time you go.

You, return and my hope take flight. 
I, felt abandoned and despair when you leave.

I, never want to say goodbye.
You, leave without the reason why.

Tears by A.L Tan

                                  I
                              want
                            to cry. I 
                          want to cry
                        so hard.   Cry
                      out all  the  pain
                   of loving  you.  Cry
                 out   all  the   hurt  of
               loving  you.  Cry  out all
              the  frustration of  loving
               you.  Cry   out   all    the
                 misery of loving you.
                   Cry   out   all   this
                       love  of  loving
                                you.

I'm Still Into You by A.L Tan

I know it is wrong but I can't help it.
Oh God, I want it to go away.
Just leave.

I know it all depends on me.
No one is pressuring.
No one is pushing.
It's my choice, it's my feelings.

Countless time,  my heart says she's OK.
She's lying and I know it's true.
I can feel the pain, I can feel the hurt.

Emptiness seems to be fine in the past.
I was happy with emptiness.
Now emptiness means heartaches, brokenness and misery.

It's funny, I'm the one cheering you on.
Suggesting ideas to help you win her heart.
Quietly, I'm slowly dying inside my heart.

You might think that I'm done with you.
That my feelings for you are gone.
Well, I'm not.

I'm still into you.

You And I by A.L Tan

The fire in my heart is going out.
I'm struggling to keep the flame on.

I know I should just let the flame fade.
It's the right thing to do anyway.

My head is saying put it off.
My heart is saying no.

Once it goes, it's never coming back.

The truth is, I don't want it to go.
I don't want to lose this feeling of loving you.

You are far off from loving me.
You are far off from feeling me.

You put yourself in pain by loving another.
I put myself in pain by loving you.

You break your heart by giving it to another.
I break my heart by giving it to you.

You cry and weep when another does not return your love.
I cry and weep when you do not return my love.

You told me "You will find someone new."
My heart replied "All I want is you."

Ignorance by A.L Tan

Hey you!
Wake up!

Wake up from your self-made slumber!
Stop thinking that you are the one!

Stop day dreaming,
It's not real. Wake up! WAKE UP!

Shake the feelings OFF,
It's not worth the wait.

Stop with the 'let's give it another try!'
It won't happen.

Wake up! Wake up!
Dearie please wake up!
Wake up from your self-made dream.

You Promise by A.L Tan

You promise to let this feeling go.
Then you return for more.
Addicted.

You promise to let this feeling go.
How is it going to go?
You hold on so tightly.

You promise to let this feeling go.
It won't go.
You are not releasing it.

You promise to let this feeling go.
Still you chose to love.
Hoping for the best that will never happen.

You promise to let this feeling go.
One last time, just to satisfy your heart.
Shattering your fragile heart into pieces.

You promise to let this feeling go.
Say it 'I DON'T love you!'.
Silence........

One more try the heart whispers

Goodbye Love by A.L Tan

You.
Only cared because you felt guilty that I fell for you.

Hurts.
Accepting that your love was just an illusion.

Tears.
Knowing you never were mine to begin with.

Sadness.
Realising that you were nice because you knew I love you.

I.
Seriously need to say goodbye because I'm nothing to you.

Goodbye Love.

I Realised by A.L Tan

I know you were there.
You chose not to reply.
You chose not to answer.
You chose to ignore.
I know there's nothing I can do.

Because of guilt
You chose to reply.
You chose to answer.
You chose not to ignore.

Thanks for putting up with me.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.