Replies by A.L Tan

Your replies are so cold now a days.

What I have done and asked the past few days

Must have really really pissed you off.

You really don't care anymore..... Not even a bit

I'll learn to live with it.... I have to live with it.

I have no choice.

I'm Sorry by A.L Tan

I'm sorry that I asked you to be mine.
How is it possible when you belong to another.

I'm sorry that I asked too many whys.
I should know that there are just things better left unsaid.

I'm sorry that I behaved badly.
Insisting for answer till you decided to blue tick me.

I'm sorry for thinking that you love me.
It's so obvious that you feel nothing towards me.

I'm sorry for chatting with you always.
It annoys you, I know.
I just want to talk to you, that's all.

I'm sorry that I love you.
That's the reason I can't leave.

Don't Ignore Me by A.L Tan

Don't ignore me please.

I know you can do that.

I can't tell you what to do.

After what happened just now.

With all the questions I asked.

I know I have lose you.

You might even just hate me.

Just please don't ignore me.

It hurts.

I'm sorry for everything.

I Guess, I Know by A.L Tan

I guess,
I lost you today.
Gone. Gone. All gone.

You said I should stop.
I'm making you uncomfortable.

I guess,
I abuse the freedom you gave me.

I expressed too much of my feelings.
You never knew I'm so crazy over you.

I guess,
You got tired of me.

Tired of my questions.
Tired of me asking.

I guess,
It's good that this happen.

It will be easier when 17.11.2015 arrives.
For me to let you go and erase it all.

I know,
I'll miss you

Miss your okay, maybe and IDK.
Miss showing my love to you.

I know,
I'll not forget you.

The way you made me feel, your smile.
The sweet things you say to me.

I know,
I'll always wonder.

The answer to the questions I asked you.
The why why why that makes you mad.

I know,
I'll always love you.

I have choose to love you from the start.
I'll still love you when the feelings fade.

Right? by A.L Tan

I really just love you.
I really really just love you.

I just want to know how you feel.
I just want to know what you feel.

When I realized that I love you.
I was so lost, so so lost.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.

I just know I want to be with you.
I just know I just want you.

You are so different from my past crushes.
You managed to capture a different part of my heart.

No matter how broken my heart is
I still can feel the passion I have for you.

These few days, I know.
I'm getting bolder with you.

I asked questions that I'm afraid of.
I say things that I'm not suppose to say.

I asked questions that you don't want to answer.
You blue tick me so many many times.

It breaks my heart that's for sure.
But I need to know. I really need to know.

I'll never understand what you feel.
I'll never understand what you think.

I'll never know why you don't explain
The lyrics that you say, after you knew how I felt.

I'll never know
Why you can't be straightforward
With your answers.

Maybe and IDK
Will always remind me of you.

I guess you are hating me by now.
And you are happy that I blue tick you.

I guess you hope that I won't text back.
That I'll just leave you alone.

Right?

I Can't Unlove You by A.L Tan

My emotion has been a mess
Ever since I realised that I fell in love in April
It hurts so bad
I’ll just act that I’m okay
I’m tired of pretending that I don’t love you
You talk about your crush
I’ll be there faithfully listening
While you talk about her
And my shattered heart will shatter more

You know that I love you
You remind me always
Sometimes you response
I then hope you feel the same way
Then you start talking about her again
I feel like crying again
But the tears won’t come out
That’s the way I am.
I’ll keep it all inside
By then my heart has shattered
Into a pile of dust.

I'm In Love Not Addicted To Love by A.L Tan

I woke up today on my birthday.
Wondering if my wish will come true today.

Since we stopped chatting 4 days ago.
I've decided to just let my feelings show.
You'll never know the tears I cried the day you stopped from replying.

I wonder how will my day be?
Will you say Happy Birthday to me?

My heart leap with joy at 0542.
When my phone rang a message from  you.

I wasn't sure what to text back.
I'm just happy that we are chatting back.

Soon I replied back your text.
With the word love in my text.

We continued on to chat.
I got busy for work and soon missed a text.

When I realised that I have received your text.
The time was already 0752 but I continued to reply as I always do.

As the day passes by,
I had time to sit and ponder on life.

I realised that it's different this time.
The things between you and I.

I think the 4 days of silence from you.
Made me stopped feeling attached to you.

I no longer long for you.
However, I still think of you.

I no longer am anxious for your reply.
However,  I still want to keep in touch with you.

I no longer am jealous when others are with you.
However,  I still desire to spend time with you.

I no longer need you to tell me everything. However, I still care for you.

There is only one change that I can think.

I'm still in love with you.
Just no more addicted to you.

Painful Love by A.L Tan

Crying has become my new hobby.
Crying has become my life.
Crying has replaced my silent pain.
Crying.........

The day I fear is finally here.
My heart knows it is always near.

The silence has started.
Months of conversation has stopped .
Not a reply. Just silent from you.

Maybe that's God way of saying.
Let's move on my dear.

I always have things to tell you.
I always wanted to know more about you.
But your reply is always nothing.
It breaks me every time from within.

I finally understand how mum felt,
The day dad left without saying anything.

So,  I'll just do what mum do.
Just cry my heart out when I think of you.

Maybe you were busy the days before.
So your replies were mostly okays.
It is easy for you to ignore me.
It's just hard for me, silly stupidly in love with you me.

You asked me why I love you so.
To be honest I really do not know.
I asked God every night and day.
But still there wasn't a reason that I can say.

You might be reading this one day.
Thinking how silly this woman is.
Wasting her love on me.

This time I'm again trying to let go

I apologise for,
The misery and hard times I gave to you.
For being annoying and moody.
For taking up most of your time.
For asking stupid and random questions.
For being upset for no reason.
For breaking your heart in any season.

Thank you,
For the friendship,
For having the patience with me,
For being nice and polite,
For encouraging me,
For replying my text when there's nothing to say.
For sharing your joy and sadness.
Last but not least for being my friend.

I ask that everything we have shared.
Will remain only between you and me.

There's only 4 days till it's my birthday.
There's nothing I wish for, 
only for you to love me.
I know it will never be.

I really don't wish for us to be strangers again.

You'll always be my Painful Love.

Hopeless Hope by A.L Tan

I'll just keep on hoping,
Hoping for it to come true.

I know it's not going to happen.
I'll just keep on hoping for it to come true.

No Return by A.L Tan

I chose to switch my phone off,
Because I don't want my heart to break.

Phone on or off my heart still breaks.
Oh dear,  what is happening to me.

I hate the person I am now.
I hate the life I'm living now.

I'm just a body walking around daily.
Projecting smiles everywhere I go.

Inside of me, I'm breaking slowly.
Thinking of you, what you mean to me.

I should train myself to hate you.
But that's not the right thing to do.

Just because we are not to be.
Doesn't mean we should be enemy.

I'm lose of words to describe how I feel.
It sucks to know what I become.

Self Destruct by A.L Tan

Today was the worst in 2015.
I felt so distant,  so far away.
I felt so abandoned,  so unwanted.

I know the reason for feeling this way.
It's all my own doing.
Thanks to over thinking.

Every late reply breaks my 💜 a bit more.
Every Okay, Okayyy, Ohokay, Ohkkay or Okaayy
Made my 💜 sank even more.

I'm not supposed to feel this way.
I told myself months ago.
That I have to let this feeling go.

I have passed the date I set to forget you.
Instead I fell deeper and harder for you.

I hate myself for this.
Why am I doing this to myself?

Why? Why? Why?
Can't I just feel nothing about you.

Feelings From You by A.L Tan

It's hard to describe this feeling.
It's pain, it's brokenness, it's misery.
It's the feeling I get from you.

I get the feeling that I'm annoying you.
I get the feeling that I'm disturbing you.
I get the feeling that I'm a burden to you.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

I'm not sure if it's true.
I'm not sure if it's real.
I'm not sure if it's reality.
But that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

It could be me over thinking.
It could be me wondering too much.
It could be me worrying too much.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

I wonder why I feel this way?
Maybe it's true you are tired of me?
Maybe you reply my text just to be polite?
I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I'm getting from you. 

This feeling I'm getting from you.
It breaks my heart.
It makes me feel stupid.
It gives me bad vibes.

I know I'm wrong.
Why do I get these feeling about you?

I get the feeling that you don't want to talk to me.
I get the feeling that you want me out of your life.
I'm sorry but that's the feeling I'm getting from you.

It hurts deep inside.....

Someone Not Me by A.L Tan

I turned the other way today.
Just to avoid from walking into you.

Well you realised it,
As you turned the other way,
Appearing before me again,
As I was entering the door.

Maybe it's just my own imagination.
You might not even realised,
That I turned the other way.

Well you appeared again as I entered the door,
I felt that you were looking, hoping for something more.
I didn't acknowledge your presence and entered that door.

As I emerged out from that faithful door.
I was hoping, just maybe you will still be there.
Instead it was another waiting for me there.

My eyes searched around for your face.
My ears listened for your voice.

Soon I spotted you in the other room.
Chatting away with your other friends.
You sounded happy, I wanted to be with you.

I entered that same place to be with you,
But you left the moment I entered there.
My heart stopped and I wished I wasn't there.

I left the room after you did.
Maybe you felt the earlier action I did.
As I exited from that door,
You called my name at the corridor.
My heart starts beating once more,
I turned to smile and smile at you more.

I listened to you by the corridor,
As you told me someone will only talk to you tomorrow.
I turned to that someone and rubbed the head.

You look at us as you start to say
I miss you someone,  I miss you someone,  I miss you someone.

Deep in my heart as I heard those words.
I wished that maybe that someone was me.

Brokeness by A.L Tan

I'm tired of writing poems on how I feel.
I'm tired of feeling jealous.
I'm tired of looking at you from afar.
I'm tired of peeping at you from the corners of my eyes.
I'm tired of hoping that you will love me too.

I'm heartbroken for not getting love back.
I'm heartbroken for feeling broken.
I'm heartbroken when you spent time with another.
I'm heartbroken when you long for another.
I'm heartbroken when you keep things from me but tells it to another.

I'm with a broken heart that is not tired in loving you.

Secrets by A.L Tan

It hurts.
When the one I love.
Holds secrets from me.

It hurts even more.
When the one I love.
Decides not to tell me.

It hurts a lot.

Nobody by A.L Tan

It's all my fault.
I pushed too hard.

You said no.
But I insisted to get it out.

I deserve the pain.
I deserve to be ignore.

I know.....
I don't have the rights.

No reasons are acceptable for the actions I have done.
Even if I'm doing it in the name of love.

I guess in the period of being ignored.
It made me realised, who I am to you.

As usual I'm nobody.
Nobody to you.

Fear by A.L Tan

There is always a fear in me.

The fear that you will go away.
The fear that you will ignore me.
The fear that you will hate me.
The fear that you will find me annoying.

Lesser smiles each day.
Lesser topics as time passes by.
Lesser interaction between us.
Lesser effort from both side.
               
                😊
😜
                😝
😁
                😊
😀 
                😊

That's all we might be talking about.
That's the fear, I'm fearing about.

Will I? by A.L Tan

Break my heart twice a day.
Shame on me, shame on me.

Come and take this feeling away.
It should go, it should not stay.

It hurts so deep, no words to explain.
No wounds to see but the pain is there.

Where is the cure for this love pain?
It's you my dear but you were never here.

I'm not alright, I'm not okay.
I'm too in love with you my dear.

This love is weird and stubborn in a way.
It has made up its mind to stay this way.

I really hope this love will move away.
However, I also want this love to stay.

If this love do go away.
Will I be alright?  Will I be okay?

Love Me Back by A.L Tan

You may deny and tell me no.
I know you long for another more.

Cover it up with smirks and smile.
Do it all day if that's what you want.
Your love is not for me but her.

It hurts my heart that's for sure.
Just like you, I'll cover it up with smirks.
I'll just continue with it everyday.
Denying I love you more each day.

Each day I look at you from afar.
Wishing that we were not hearts apart.
On days when moon and stars align.
You'll walk up to me maybe from behind.
Call my name and I'm in cloud nine.

I'll think of work and stuff to do.
Just to get my mind off you.
The busyness keeps my mind off you.
But my heart reminds me of you.

If only my heart can obey.
The things my mind frequently say.
Let this love go,  it's not to stay.

I'm just waiting for the day to say.
I love you no more my heart says.

Just Enough by A.L Tan

All I want is to see your face.
You turned and saw me stare.

All I want is to see your smile.
Your smile even if it's not for me.

All I want is just a peep.
Your sight made my heart skip a beat.

All I want is to hear your sound.
Just a whisper to know you are around.

All I want is to love you dear.
All I want is you.

Okay Hurts by A.L Tan

Here I am waiting.
Waiting for the familiar ring.

Nothing.
Not a sound.
Not even an imaginary ring.

I'm running out of reason.
Entering a heartbreaking season.

Heartbreaking not from waiting.
But delays in replying.

Finally I'm hearing.
That familiar ring.

Adding more pain to wounds of delays.
Was a simple and innocent 'okay'.

No Ends by A.L Tan

I wonder, what is this?
What does it means?
Is it a phrase of life?
We're going through?

I enjoy the time we spent together.
Talking to each other.
Sharing with each other.
Opinions, concerns, hurts and cares.

I'll always want the talks to go on and on.
For it to never ever stop.
I have felt the hurt and misery.
When silence and emptiness become our mystery.

I accept that we can never be.
Whatever I wish for us to be.
I hope our conversation knows no ends.
Maybe we might be a bit more than friends?

But alas, I know it will never be.
So let's stay as it is.
You and me.

Broken by A.L Tan

It hurts so much that I'm starting to despise you.

I know it is not fair.

It's all my own doing.

You did nothing but I fell for you.

I'm so addicted to you.

I'm not okay.

I want your attention.

When you ignore me.

I'll be thinking of a million reason to stay positive.

I'll turn to God and pray for Him to take this pain away.

I'll cry in His presence,  begging Him to take my heart back from you.

I wrote poems after poems.

Hoping to write this love pain affair away.

It stays, doesn't seems to go away.

Even if you knew, what could you do?

Nothing. Yes, nothing.

I'm nothing to you.

When You're Gone by A.L Tan

You, only come when there's a need.
You, leave when you are done.

I, felt used each time you leave.
I, felt hurt each time you go.

You, return and my hope take flight. 
I, felt abandoned and despair when you leave.

I, never want to say goodbye.
You, leave without the reason why.

Tears by A.L Tan

                                  I
                              want
                            to cry. I 
                          want to cry
                        so hard.   Cry
                      out all  the  pain
                   of loving  you.  Cry
                 out   all  the   hurt  of
               loving  you.  Cry  out all
              the  frustration of  loving
               you.  Cry   out   all    the
                 misery of loving you.
                   Cry   out   all   this
                       love  of  loving
                                you.

I'm Still Into You by A.L Tan

I know it is wrong but I can't help it.
Oh God, I want it to go away.
Just leave.

I know it all depends on me.
No one is pressuring.
No one is pushing.
It's my choice, it's my feelings.

Countless time,  my heart says she's OK.
She's lying and I know it's true.
I can feel the pain, I can feel the hurt.

Emptiness seems to be fine in the past.
I was happy with emptiness.
Now emptiness means heartaches, brokenness and misery.

It's funny, I'm the one cheering you on.
Suggesting ideas to help you win her heart.
Quietly, I'm slowly dying inside my heart.

You might think that I'm done with you.
That my feelings for you are gone.
Well, I'm not.

I'm still into you.

You And I by A.L Tan

The fire in my heart is going out.
I'm struggling to keep the flame on.

I know I should just let the flame fade.
It's the right thing to do anyway.

My head is saying put it off.
My heart is saying no.

Once it goes, it's never coming back.

The truth is, I don't want it to go.
I don't want to lose this feeling of loving you.

You are far off from loving me.
You are far off from feeling me.

You put yourself in pain by loving another.
I put myself in pain by loving you.

You break your heart by giving it to another.
I break my heart by giving it to you.

You cry and weep when another does not return your love.
I cry and weep when you do not return my love.

You told me "You will find someone new."
My heart replied "All I want is you."

Ignorance by A.L Tan

Hey you!
Wake up!

Wake up from your self-made slumber!
Stop thinking that you are the one!

Stop day dreaming,
It's not real. Wake up! WAKE UP!

Shake the feelings OFF,
It's not worth the wait.

Stop with the 'let's give it another try!'
It won't happen.

Wake up! Wake up!
Dearie please wake up!
Wake up from your self-made dream.

You Promise by A.L Tan

You promise to let this feeling go.
Then you return for more.
Addicted.

You promise to let this feeling go.
How is it going to go?
You hold on so tightly.

You promise to let this feeling go.
It won't go.
You are not releasing it.

You promise to let this feeling go.
Still you chose to love.
Hoping for the best that will never happen.

You promise to let this feeling go.
One last time, just to satisfy your heart.
Shattering your fragile heart into pieces.

You promise to let this feeling go.
Say it 'I DON'T love you!'.
Silence........

One more try the heart whispers

Goodbye Love by A.L Tan

You.
Only cared because you felt guilty that I fell for you.

Hurts.
Accepting that your love was just an illusion.

Tears.
Knowing you never were mine to begin with.

Sadness.
Realising that you were nice because you knew I love you.

I.
Seriously need to say goodbye because I'm nothing to you.

Goodbye Love.

I Realised by A.L Tan

I know you were there.
You chose not to reply.
You chose not to answer.
You chose to ignore.
I know there's nothing I can do.

Because of guilt
You chose to reply.
You chose to answer.
You chose not to ignore.

Thanks for putting up with me.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

I Was Stupid by A.L Tan

I was stupid to fall for you.
When all I received were heartaches.

I was stupid to fall for you.
When most replies were okay and haha.

I was stupid to fall for you.
I realised that you couldn't return the love I was giving you.

I was stupid to fall for you.
When I know deep down, you were using me, taking me for granted.

I was stupid to fall for you.
When there were no reasons to love you from the start.

I was stupid to fall for you.
Thinking that you feel the same too.

I was stupid to fall for you.
When you were obviously in love with someone else.

I was stupid to fall for you.
When I know I should let my feelings for you go.

I was stupid to fall for you.
There is nothing in the future for us.

I was stupid to fall for you.
I'm just deeply in love with you.

I Just Do by A.L Tan

I fell in love months ago. 
As usual,  I kept the feelings inside.
Weeks ago all hell breaks lose,
The secret is out, but a secret still.

I don't fall in love easily.
I don't have a reason for loving somebody.
I just love, love and love.
I just love, love and love.

My action shows that I don't care.
My heart is screaming that I do.
My lips don't smile when I see you.
My heart stop at the sight of you.

I'm use to feeling this way.
A one way love with no return.
I'm just happy it is better this turn.
At least you know that I'm in love with you.

Last Goodbye (published in 2015)

It never was, never is and never will be easy.
For me to let you go.
It kills deep inside to say my last goodbye.

Hey! Cheer up! Miss Intuition says.
It is okay, be strong and have courage.
I smile and reply. Yes, I will survive this last goodbye.

Time flies by,
I'm still here watching you go.
Nothing I can do.
Nothing I can say but my last goodbye.

Come on! Let's go! Miss Intuition begs
You can be happy, you will be bless.
I smile and reply. Yes, I will overcome this last goodbye.

Miss Intuition,
Do you think I will ever forget.
The memories, the smiles and joy.
The warm embraces and silly talks.
The dates of special events.
Can I leave it all behind with this last goodbye?

Rise up! Move forward! Miss Intuition cheers.
Remember the memories to push you ahead.
Remember the smiles and laughter to brighten your days.
I smile and reply. No more holding on, this is my last goodbye.

June holiday 2015

Wow... It is just amazing how a two week holiday could be gone just in a blink of an eye.

The first week of the holiday I was busy with my masters. I know right... Can you believe it... I have actually started my masters. OMG... I don't understand any of the lectures... All I could do it... God help me.

My classes were in Sabah. Yeap, I experienced the earthquake. My heart goes out to all the victims of the earthquake. Personally, my brother's GF house was badly effected by the earthquake as well.

I just don't understand people who are still making fun of the situation. There is a  saying, if you can't help with the problem don't be the problem.

Putting that aside, school is starting soon. I'm working hard juggling between marking papers, thinking about my masters assignments and trying to enjoy the remaining days of my holidays.... Hahahha.....

I guess this will be my latest update.
Till my next post. Bye!

You are real

I felt Your presence,
It was so strong,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

I recognise Your voice,
It was so familiar,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

I remember Your promises,
It has been fulfilled,
I can't ignore it but to give thanks.

Let Your will be done.

Seriously,  is this it?

God, are you really calling me for this?

It's so different from what I expected.

When I said "use me" I never dreamt that it will be this.

I thought You would use me in the children ministry...  I thought You would use me in the youth ministry or music ministry.

In 2001, You said through a pastor that I'll be use to raise up a generation that will be on fire for you. I listened. I remembered but I never take it into my heart.

Yes,  You showed me the sign. It was the same thing. Not once,  not twice but 3 times.

Every time it happens.... I can feel Your presence in my life. I can heard Your still small voice telling me what to do.

Each time it happens,  it shatters my heart into a million pieces. I was lost,  I was heartbroken. My tears flow.

God, it's so hard to face it again and again. It hurts to heard it again and again. It's painful to know, to understand.

God,  is this really Your calling in my life.

If it is, let Your will be done. I'll surrender to Your will.

I accept Your love,  peace,  joy,  wisdom, kindness, patience and grace in my life.

I know You will be there to lead and guide me.

Things I miss about 2014

You can never let go of something until you are able to admit it out loud. I guess it's not too late for me to say that there are a few things in the year 2014 that I miss up till now (May 2015). They are very small things in life that brought smiles to my face.

1. I miss teaching 5A2 class. - I miss looking at their smiles. I miss them calling me Miss Anna and me reminding them to lift up their hands if they need to speak. I miss the different personalities of the front row students vs the back row students. I miss them asking me abuden questions. I miss the second row students showing me their bu shuang faces when I give them homework. I miss marking their creative and weird essays.
I miss Meredith Lim wacky excuses for not doing what she is suppose to do. I miss seeing her running around school without her shoes on and her hair tattoo..
I miss Tini, Ashely and Megan. I miss praying together with them. I miss Ashely's spirit of bringing change into the school. I miss chatting with Tini late into the night... about... Hehehheh... Shhhh...... I miss just having Megan in class... Quiet but always ready to serve as the monitor.
I miss Janice and Geneivie (I x know how to spell. Sorry) I miss Janice's laughter and for handing in the most work. I miss Geneivie for always being missing at the beginning of my class and for always asking me to proof read her essay before she hands them in. I miss Vanessa.... For... Trying hard,  for not giving up in my paper and in BK, for being strong even in the hardest season of her life.

2. I miss teaching 4A3 since July 2014. - I miss their afraid face of putting their hands into the box. I miss Corine's, Irene's, Mia's and Nishan's laughter. I miss Kennedy's crazy stupid daring pick up lines.... Thank God he has stopped. I miss having extra classes with Karen after school. I miss Syameera's, Riqqah's, Marlissa's, Crystal's, Clarice's, Mariel's shy answers and smiles when I ask them questions. I miss Tasha being loud and opinionated. I miss Dorothy for forever not handing in my work.... I also miss having fruitcake and ice cream with 4A3.

3. I miss Meredith Ker for calling me when I walk pass 4A1 just to give me a smile. Even if there is a teacher in class, she will still take the risk to call out my name or Pstt! Pstt! Sometimes I tried to ignore but it is just rude to ignore someone calling... So... She wins... I smiled back.

4. I miss my 2014 debate team. I miss their smart brains debating and refuting my points. I miss hanging out with them when we are tired. When we work our ass off preparing for competition and to go to LIDC.

5. I miss sending my sister to school. I miss when we would sing random songs in the car.  Laugh out loud and make sarcastic jokes about each other. I miss having breakfast with her before school even if it means being super late to school. You know YOLO.

6.I miss when I have a much simple mind. I miss when I am more confident about myself.  I miss the time when people opinions do not influence my thoughts. I miss the time when I can be happy being alone. I miss the time when even the simplest things can make me laugh and giggle non stop. I miss having a smile to share with everyone. I miss the time when I can feel the presence of God in my life. I miss counting my life blessing. I miss going for mission trip.

Well,  these are some of the 2014 events that I miss and wish would still happen in 2015. However,  life moves on with or without us. I'm glad that I'm able to share the top 5 things I miss about the year 2014.

Tonight

The cold wind blows into the house.
The rain pours slowly down from the sky.
Will it happen tonight?

A young girl waiting, standing by.
In red with golden sparkles by her side.
Will he come tonight?

Busy machine zooming left and right.
When will they stop so he can pass by.
Will she see him tonight?

Alas, time passed by so fast.
The rain stops, the pain starts.
She never gets to see him tonight.

Pondering.

There is a longing to express what I feel.
I'm here wondering,  pondering and questioning.

Being confuse with these feelings can be so irritating.

Is it love? Longing to be with the one you desire?

Is it jealousy? Knowing that 'I'm not the only one'

Is it boredom? What should I do next?

Is it uneasiness? What will happen in the future?

Being human. These are some of the feelings that everyone and each one of us face everyday.

I caught myself starring at one of my whatapps contact just now. Well,  basically I wanted to start a conversation with someone but I don't know how to start it. It is so easy to start a conversation with someone you don't feel anything for and the conversation can go on forever. 

The moment I fall for someone, I realised that I'll run out of topics to talk about but I want to talk to you, I need to talk to you, but what should I say.... It is frustrating to receive one word replies..... Arrggghhhh....

5 years.

Have you ever thought about what will become of your life in just a short period of 5 years?

Well,  I do think of the 5 year. However,  most of the time it would be about the 5 years past not the future 5 years.

My life have definitely been different for the past 5 years. First of all,  this year 2015 is officially my 3rd complete cycle of being a teacher. 

I remember in the year 2012 when I was posted back hometown.  I always wonder,  🎵~I wonder how, I wonder why~🎶 Lol.... Hahhaha....

I always wonder if I will turn into a teacher that is not relevant to her students😨,  or a teacher that always seems to be lost not knowing what is happening to her world.😑 Worst still..... A teacher with mood swing.... 😤

Till now...  I still don't know what type of a  teacher I am. Do I terrify the students I teach ? Do they gossip behind me?

I find it hard to be the real me sometimes just to be honest. Can't run from people who judge.

Anyway,  this is just a random post. Thanks for reading.

Everything turned out alright.

These past few months had been a roller coaster ride for me with work loads not coming in one after another but at the same time. Man! I was counting down the days till everything was over.

Physically, I was tired, exhausted and almost at the point of breaking down. However, as usual God is faithful. He gave me the strength.

Talking about making things worst. I realised that I had fallen in love. Lol... How in the world did that person managed to steal my heart amongst my hectic schedule. Salut! Salut! Alas, I recognised that is wasn't a right relationship to commit myself into. It was freaking hard to fall out of love.... Up till now I'm still... Haiz....

With hormones raging and trying to mentally focus on my work... Everything was just so overwhelming. I thank God for giving me the passion to sing.

In the mist of all....  The song running after you by planetshakers spoke to me clearly.  "and even though sometimes Your way I cannot understand.  I'll never walk away because my future's in Your hand"

Tears started flowing down. I'm convicted that God spoke to me through the song. I could feel His presence in the car with me.

Indeed,  I serve a mighty God. All I did was to seek Him.